that awkward moment when

when I was ten, or ten-ish, I was sort of a pyromaniac. I really liked lighting matches, letting them burn almost to my fingertips, and then dropping them in a cup of water. the sizzling noise was the most satisfying sound in the world.

so, understandably, I was excited about my dad's birthday, which was coming up. I begged and pleaded to be allowed to light the candles. my parents probably didn't say yes, but they didn't say no either, which I took as yes because I was ten.

the day came, and my mother, sister and I baked a golden cake. we made chocolate frosting. we ate my dad's favorite food for dinner. and then my moment to shine, I would get to light the candles.

but when I reached for the matches they were pulled out of my reach. my mother handed teh box to my father, seemingly not noticing my protest. I grabbed for them again.

"no." my mother glared at me. "daddy gets to light the candles. you're too young, sweetie."

now, I don't know about everyone else, but I was a stubborn kid and an even more self-righteous one. I could hear the condescension in my mother's 'sweetie,' and I wasn't having it.

"noooooooooooooooo!" I shrieked and stomped on the floor. "you said I could light the candles, you promised." which she hadn't, but my memory said she had and I really really wanted to light the candles.

so I screamed and screamed and probably beat my fists on at least one of my parents chest's as they carried me into my room. I knew not to leave, because that would just get me pushed back in, so I just stood in my doorway and yelled.

surprisingly, none of it worked. they celebrated without me as I eventually got tired and sat, arms crossed, in my bed.

later, my dad came and ripped up the birthday card I'd made him and threw it on the floor outside my room. I didn't care I didn't care I didn't care until I was crying, because I worked really hard on it and I didn't get to light the candles and it wasn't faaaaair.

and that's why I think my parents don't love me. or the anecdote I brought up when my therapist asked me why. truthfully, it's probably 'cause I'm awful to my parents on a regular basis and they shouldn't.