oh, god, you can't tell my mom. I know- I should have never even left my house, officer. I know that now.
the smell? no, of course I wasn't drinking. officer, believe me, I don't drink. it's not my car. no- wait, I didn't steal it, it's my brother's. I, well, I may have borrowed it without permission, but that's not technically- oh. he can? my brother won't press charges.
I'm telling the truth about the drinking, though. I'd never drink and drive. give me all your sobriety tests, the breathalyzer if you really want to. I haven't touched the stuff in months.
why is that so hard to believe? just because I hit a tree with my ca- with my brother's car doesn't mean I'm drunk. I was just angry, okay? I was distracted, not intoxicated.
I had a fight with my brother. uh, kind of a, a big fight. then I took off. then I hit this tree. that's exactly how it all happened.
about what? oh, I don't know, how about you smell the fucking car? sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. he's just been drinking a lot and it's- it's really hurting my family. my mom's sick. uh, she doesn't- it's hard for her to deal with it right now. my dad died years ago. my brother was- he was hurting my-
no, I never called the police about this. look, it doesn't matter, right? it's a domestic issue, I dealt with it- I deal with it on my own.
I didn't leave my mom alone with my brother. I- look, I know how dangerous people are under the influence. give me the ticket already, okay? I have to go. I just have to get out of here right now. please-
it isn't blood. no, I'm not hurt. get off of me! don't touch the car- there's nothing in there, there's nothing in there!
...
it was an accident. I just pushed him, and he hit his head, and- and- I didn't know what to do- he was going to hurt my mom. oh, god, you can't tell my mom.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
maturity
you spend your whole life a scared little girl, you start to wonder when it's your turn. your mentality twists and turns and becomes a mean thing saying, let's scare them just as badly.
so you're still a little girl, scared of the things that hurt and the people you love getting hurt and the people you love that hurt you, but now you're looking for ways to hurt everything back.
it's a game, seeing how far you can push things. it's fun shocking people, if it's jumping out in front of them and screaming or going on a blackout binge at a party. it's all the same, right? of course it is. and even if you get in trouble, it will never be that bad. your mom can fix everything with soup and hugs.
but you're supposed to grow up and out of it at some point. mom gets tired of bandaging your scars and letting you stay home from school and pretending she doesn't know that you're capable of lying. then what do you do, little girl? try and forge ahead without her?
you'll never learn.
so you're still a little girl, scared of the things that hurt and the people you love getting hurt and the people you love that hurt you, but now you're looking for ways to hurt everything back.
it's a game, seeing how far you can push things. it's fun shocking people, if it's jumping out in front of them and screaming or going on a blackout binge at a party. it's all the same, right? of course it is. and even if you get in trouble, it will never be that bad. your mom can fix everything with soup and hugs.
but you're supposed to grow up and out of it at some point. mom gets tired of bandaging your scars and letting you stay home from school and pretending she doesn't know that you're capable of lying. then what do you do, little girl? try and forge ahead without her?
you'll never learn.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
believably
someone once told me that people who believe the lie deserve to be lied to.
and though it's quite likely I agreed with them at the time, what I should have said was "fuck off," because making general statements about something that by definition isn't the truth is stupid. there are plenty of reasons someone would lie and plenty of reasons it would be believed.
my cat scratched me. I had a big breakfast. are you talking about those lies? well, what if there's no reason not to believe them? not every person has a sign over their head saying "THIS IS SUSPICIOUS GUYS I'VE BEEN SAD/OUT OF CONTROL/MISSING SELF ESTEEM LATELY!"
and if they do? okay, tell me the last time you wanted to believe your friend was depressed and self destructive. don't tell me that if you know you can help or some shit like that; if there's an alternative you're going to take it.
and that person lying has their reasons to lie. if they're going to get mad when people believe them, fuck 'em. that's an egotistical thing to do. don't be one of those whiney people- "I say I'm fine, but really I'm dying inside. why can't you see that?"
shut. up. it's because you say you're fine. maybe that's enough for some people. don't get annoyed that people have their own problems to worry about and they can believe that you're fine. their entire lives do not revolve around every sad expression that happens to pass over your face.
and though it's quite likely I agreed with them at the time, what I should have said was "fuck off," because making general statements about something that by definition isn't the truth is stupid. there are plenty of reasons someone would lie and plenty of reasons it would be believed.
my cat scratched me. I had a big breakfast. are you talking about those lies? well, what if there's no reason not to believe them? not every person has a sign over their head saying "THIS IS SUSPICIOUS GUYS I'VE BEEN SAD/OUT OF CONTROL/MISSING SELF ESTEEM LATELY!"
and if they do? okay, tell me the last time you wanted to believe your friend was depressed and self destructive. don't tell me that if you know you can help or some shit like that; if there's an alternative you're going to take it.
and that person lying has their reasons to lie. if they're going to get mad when people believe them, fuck 'em. that's an egotistical thing to do. don't be one of those whiney people- "I say I'm fine, but really I'm dying inside. why can't you see that?"
shut. up. it's because you say you're fine. maybe that's enough for some people. don't get annoyed that people have their own problems to worry about and they can believe that you're fine. their entire lives do not revolve around every sad expression that happens to pass over your face.
Monday, April 11, 2011
snapping
these are those moments. the testing ones. the testy ones. see how far things can go before they don't snap back in place.
look at pictures of thin girls until you want to puke up everything you've eaten in the past month. compile lists of your faults until you want a scar punishing you for each one. think of each friend you don't deserve until you're wholeheartedly convinced that they'd all be better off without you.
but by all means, don't just test yourself. while you're out there wallowing in your extremes, see how far you can push everyone else. "will you still love me if I do this? how about this? even this? how about if I drink this and swallow that and cut here and burn there and tell you YOU CAN'T HELP ME YOU CAN'T HELP ME. would you still love me if I did all that?"
saying yes will just make you more determined to make it worse. it's so much easier if everyone says no, just reaffirms your beliefs that you're nothing. those who agree to stick it through are just foolish. prove how wrong they are. they can't fix you, no one can, rightrightright?
look at pictures of thin girls until you want to puke up everything you've eaten in the past month. compile lists of your faults until you want a scar punishing you for each one. think of each friend you don't deserve until you're wholeheartedly convinced that they'd all be better off without you.
but by all means, don't just test yourself. while you're out there wallowing in your extremes, see how far you can push everyone else. "will you still love me if I do this? how about this? even this? how about if I drink this and swallow that and cut here and burn there and tell you YOU CAN'T HELP ME YOU CAN'T HELP ME. would you still love me if I did all that?"
saying yes will just make you more determined to make it worse. it's so much easier if everyone says no, just reaffirms your beliefs that you're nothing. those who agree to stick it through are just foolish. prove how wrong they are. they can't fix you, no one can, rightrightright?
Monday, April 4, 2011
a recluse's lament
I've grown afraid of the world out there.
it's easy, too easy, to sit here and read about adventures or watch movies about beautiful people or look at pictures of amazing landscapes. all it does is make the real world as a whole seem that much harsher.
there are liars out there. and hypocrites and bullies and thieves. murderers! chem teachers! and sometimes it's not like the stories, they don't get caught. and then there's the pollution, the natural disasters, the politics.
no, no, no, it's much safer here in my room. I'll go out when I have to and surround myself with things that distract me, like lots of colors in my hair or pretty scents on my skin or a friend to make me laugh. create a comfort zone.
and then there's you. who do you think you are, trying to drag me out into the grime and the grit and the scrutiny of this world? no, wait, you're worse than that. you make me want to- why would you do such a thing? I can stay inside with my secrets and my netflix subscription and you can go alone to the amazing landscapes, with beautiful people, have adventures.
so why does thinking about you doing all that without me make my stomach hurt?
I want to curl up in my purple comforter in bed all day but I want you here with me, is that too much to ask? you can tell me stories about the things that haven't all gone to shit but who gave you the right to make me believe them?
I'd willingly follow you into the brightness, the confusion, the terrifying world out there, if you were just guiding me by the hand.
it's easy, too easy, to sit here and read about adventures or watch movies about beautiful people or look at pictures of amazing landscapes. all it does is make the real world as a whole seem that much harsher.
there are liars out there. and hypocrites and bullies and thieves. murderers! chem teachers! and sometimes it's not like the stories, they don't get caught. and then there's the pollution, the natural disasters, the politics.
no, no, no, it's much safer here in my room. I'll go out when I have to and surround myself with things that distract me, like lots of colors in my hair or pretty scents on my skin or a friend to make me laugh. create a comfort zone.
and then there's you. who do you think you are, trying to drag me out into the grime and the grit and the scrutiny of this world? no, wait, you're worse than that. you make me want to- why would you do such a thing? I can stay inside with my secrets and my netflix subscription and you can go alone to the amazing landscapes, with beautiful people, have adventures.
so why does thinking about you doing all that without me make my stomach hurt?
I want to curl up in my purple comforter in bed all day but I want you here with me, is that too much to ask? you can tell me stories about the things that haven't all gone to shit but who gave you the right to make me believe them?
I'd willingly follow you into the brightness, the confusion, the terrifying world out there, if you were just guiding me by the hand.
Friday, April 1, 2011
teeth
she noticed him little by little. he faded in and out at first, a static image that she'd tried not to notice in the corner of her eye. the only thing clear was his mouth, grinning constantly and his lips always in motion. there was no sound at first besides a hissing, a whisper where you couldn't catch the words.
so she ignored it and ignored it and ignored it, mostly because she didn't know how to stop it. and the vision got clearer, so in the corner of her eye she could now see that he had an angel's face that was all sparkling eyes and a toothy grin.
he spoke more slowly now, so she could catch words here and there. "no." "help." "angel." but always with the smile. she frowned and tried to figure out why he was in her mirror, in her mind.
she was telling a joke to her friends when she heard him completely. "stop talking," he told her. she blinked at him, unsure. and he smiled. "no one's listening."
he was behind her in the mirror as she checked her makeup in the morning. "no one's going to be looking at you anyway."
who are you? she turned around but there was no one there. but he was still there in the mirror when she checked.
"I'm your voice of reason. I'm the truth. I'm a guardian angel, just trying to let you know about the elephant in the room." his smile all teeth and angles. "literally and figuratively."
she was shocked, her mouth hanging wide open. he smiled smiled smiled as he and his truths dove in and settled in her heart.
so she ignored it and ignored it and ignored it, mostly because she didn't know how to stop it. and the vision got clearer, so in the corner of her eye she could now see that he had an angel's face that was all sparkling eyes and a toothy grin.
he spoke more slowly now, so she could catch words here and there. "no." "help." "angel." but always with the smile. she frowned and tried to figure out why he was in her mirror, in her mind.
she was telling a joke to her friends when she heard him completely. "stop talking," he told her. she blinked at him, unsure. and he smiled. "no one's listening."
he was behind her in the mirror as she checked her makeup in the morning. "no one's going to be looking at you anyway."
who are you? she turned around but there was no one there. but he was still there in the mirror when she checked.
"I'm your voice of reason. I'm the truth. I'm a guardian angel, just trying to let you know about the elephant in the room." his smile all teeth and angles. "literally and figuratively."
she was shocked, her mouth hanging wide open. he smiled smiled smiled as he and his truths dove in and settled in her heart.
graphing
imagine your life as a line. or your mood maybe. that probably makes more sense. think of all your feelings as being part of a line, like a heart monitor or a line graph of your happiness and your frustration. mountains and caverns of bliss and of desperation.
so kind of like your life, after all.
so imagine day after day your mood line is going crazy, down and up and down, each of the highs as extreme as the lows. it's balanced, alright, swinging from one to the other in steep slopes. this is what agitation looks like.
you just want it to be neat and predictable and straight again. carve your ideals into your wrist. even out the plane for a while, but watch what happens when it catches up with you again.
so kind of like your life, after all.
so imagine day after day your mood line is going crazy, down and up and down, each of the highs as extreme as the lows. it's balanced, alright, swinging from one to the other in steep slopes. this is what agitation looks like.
you just want it to be neat and predictable and straight again. carve your ideals into your wrist. even out the plane for a while, but watch what happens when it catches up with you again.
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