snapping

these are those moments. the testing ones. the testy ones. see how far things can go before they don't snap back in place.

look at pictures of thin girls until you want to puke up everything you've eaten in the past month. compile lists of your faults until you want a scar punishing you for each one. think of each friend you don't deserve until you're wholeheartedly convinced that they'd all be better off without you.

but by all means, don't just test yourself. while you're out there wallowing in your extremes, see how far you can push everyone else. "will you still love me if I do this? how about this? even this? how about if I drink this and swallow that and cut here and burn there and tell you YOU CAN'T HELP ME YOU CAN'T HELP ME. would you still love me if I did all that?"

saying yes will just make you more determined to make it worse. it's so much easier if everyone says no, just reaffirms your beliefs that you're nothing. those who agree to stick it through are just foolish. prove how wrong they are. they can't fix you, no one can, rightrightright?