a negative

she loved cooking, I remember that. she loved it loved it loved it. she would make three different things at once. spaghetti with homemade sauce and vegan sausages, rice with sautéed vegetables, Greek omelets. she loved dessert the most, because it was the stickiest, messiest, most involved work.

everything always smelled delicious. she laid it out on nicely colored plates, added garnishes, made it neat and perfect.

and then she threw it all down the garbage disposal.

"doesn't it sound like it's hungry, G? sounds like a rumbly tummy." I would nod and nod and watch it drip off of the plate in her hand, strawberry shortcake, penne with vodka sauce, french fries. it disappeared, drippy gooey down the drain, colors mixing into an unappetizing brownish. but the smell.

"doesn't it smell lovely? G- G, you can't eat it though, it's pretty then it's gone." and she would smile. "like us, G, we'll be gonegonegone."

and it scared me, because I didn't want to be gonegonegone, even if i was pretty. but she told me it was okay.

"because we'll be together, pretty and together. G, we're just going to float away."

but I'm not gone and she didn't float. and she wasn't pretty either, not when she was too weak to hold pots of water and too tired to pour it all down the sink when she did manage food. it sat in our little apartment for weeks. I sat and watched it spoiling for hours, nothing to do while she slept and withered away.

she told me, "I feel goooone. but I'm not. I'm here because you're here, G." I nodded and nodded. "come with me, G, why aren't you like me, G, I can't move my arms..."

I didn't know why I wasn't like her. maybe the smell was sustaining me. she always got rid of all the food she made, dumped it and never left a drop. I never touched the fridge, or the pantry, just curled on the kitchen chair and watched flies circle around the dishes, still on the table. but I wasn't gone.

she was a negative, crumbling away by the minute, but I was steadfastly a zero zero zero. I wouldn't ever be gone. and then she was.

they cleared her food away, stuffed me with things that didn't smell like anything. I was bloated but I still felt like a zero zero zero. I could hear her voice in my ear.

"I'm here because you're here, G." and she was there, telling me "we'll be gonegonegone."