the Metamorphosis

it begins with a whisper.just a hissing sound in the halls. chances are, it wasn’t even directed at her. but she hears it and that’s all that matters, because soon it fills up her head- fat.

she doesn’t realize it at first, how the word’s stuck in her head, but it’s what’s ricocheting through her mind all throughout her lunch. fatfatfat. she finishes her fries and feels bloated all of a sudden, and pushes her tray away.

her friends are all getting started on their second milkshakes. “what?” they ask her, confused. “are you okay? eat something, you look pale.”

she stares at them, girls with fast metabolisms and dazzling smiles and an inability to feel insecure. she’s not them. she can never be them, but that’s not true. it’s just what her head tells her, what her now protesting stomach tells her.

she excuses herself, goes to the bathroom, pukes it all up.

this doesn’t happen the first day. or the second. but it happens again and again until she doesn’t remember when it started anyway. she can just hear the word, fatfatfat.

her friends realize something’s wrong. they smell it on her and see it in her eyes when she goes on her crazy binges. they’re scared, they don’t know how to help. they feel uncomfortable around her. they start to pull away.

but this doesn’t help her at all- no, on the contrary, she thinks it’s all her fault for being stupid, ugly, fat.

what an ugly word. what an ugly thing. she can’t talk to people about it, that’s an ugly thing to do. so she doesn’t stop.

and her throat aches all the time, and she’s kept up at night thinking of all the calories that might have managed to stick. her eyes have dark circles.

the more dull and disgusting she feels, the brighter, shinier everyone else looks. she wants to be it, but all of her friends have moved onto girls who don’t have to puke to feel pretty.

she wants to call “please, wait, I’m just trying to be you,” but her throat’s raw and she can’t make out the words.

they look at her like she’s a freak. like she’s fat, fat, fat.

so she stops puking, stops eating altogether, wastes away, and they barely even notice her as they go on being pretty and bright and clean.