resent; see envy

I have to apologize for the thoughts in my head. I don't hate you. I have never hated you, not really. but I can't believe all the things that you can do, all the things that I can't do anymore.

you can cry. you can care. you can control yourself. you can help people. you can have hope.

and I can say that your tears are superficial or that your hopes are for things that will never happen, but when was the last time that I did anything better?

so of course I can't help but want to hate you.

balance

we don't live in caves.

and what I mean by this is that in our lives, we will never have to be in total and complete darkness. there will always be that shred of light. people don't live in caves for a reason.

and yes, I mean all of this metaphorically. darkness is your feelings. light is the hope. there's always hope. let's all have a good cry together now.

lacking

you are missed and missing, not here and wished to be. I am missing you, wishing you here, and by here I mean close enough for me to see your face again.

I haven't in so long. I don't know if it's a conscious decision on either of our parts, but we haven't, and I believe it's for the same reason. this pain at seeing each other feels mutual to me. I want it to be mutual, anyway.

dialogue

sometimes my head is too full for my heart to take it anymore. I don't know how to separate the empathy from the actual sadness, my feelings from my feelings for other people.

and my internal monologue is just left with a lot of screaming. all day, until I go to sleep,

"AHHHHHHHyouarenotgoodenoughAHHHHHHHHHnobodycanhelpyouAHHHHHHHHHHHwhothefuckcaresaboutyouAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

and I don't know which part of me is the bad side. I don't know how to tell my entire being to just STOP FUCKING YELLING ALREADY, except for one way. and I'm too much of a coward.

when I go to sleep, it doesn't stop, it just forms coherent ideas. You. Are. Not. Good. Enough. I don't know how to sleep anymore.

maybe if I could yell all this out, get it outside, tell someone, it would be better. but how do I translate the swirling thoughts in my head into a cry for help?

temporarily permanent

suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, so it's wrong. I know this. I also know about temporary solutions.

I know about stretching the time between the decision to act and acting. I know about distractions. I know about willpower and the lack thereof. I know about consequences.

I know things I don't want to know, things people don't want to hear, things that will never truly leave me.

I know myself.

the temporary solutions that serve as a reminder that life is imminent and always and that permanent solutions are bad.

but the thing about temporary solutions, this thing that I know, is that they are temporary. you will have to do it consistently, or sooner or later you'll be back where you started.

it's enough to make a person think about permanent solutions from time to time.