realizations

you care? ...oh. this is really awkward.

because I was under the impression that- well, that you didn't. oh. ohohoh.

then all those times that I yelled at you? oh. I must have hurt your feelings. a lot. shit. like when I told you you could never help me, because you would never understand? I- I didn't know that I made you cry. I didn't mean to, I just thought-

and all those times when you tried to stop me from- and every time I did anyway- oh, that must have really gotten to you. I didn't mean to, I just- it's about me, right? I'm on my own, right?

but you care. oh. I'm not alone. I affect people when I- oh. OH. how was I supposed to know?

because you told me so. because you asked me to stop. because you cried. because I always felt guilty.

oh.

because you do understand. because you tried to help. oh.

but I didn't do any of those things for you, did I? and I care about you more than anything. what does that make me?

a snippet

"what?"
"I just- fuck, I loved you. love you. you know it. everyone does. it wasn't enough."
"... uhm. well, uh- shit."
"are you satisfied? are you fucking satisfied?"
"I didn't-"
"just leave-"
"it was-"
"don't want you to-"
...
"what was that?"
"I... I don't know. I mean, shit, Cass."
"why did you-"
"I love you."
"you-"
"like, I really do. I always have. but I- she-"
...
"Jesus. Cassie. Cassie, I can't- I loved you. but now I love her too. and you know you can't ask me to-"
"I know."
"your timing sucks."
"fuck off."
"Cassie-"
...
...
"...we should go."
"yeah."
"you're getting married."
"yeah."
"...kiss me again."

part one

we would whisper, you and me and the dark. simple things, "I'm here." "it's dark." "I love you." I mostly nodded and touched my fingertips to yours, because my voice was too loud and we would get caught and I liked the way your hand was always warm.

"go to sleep," you'd say, in your big sister voice. and I would, because you were older and wiser and you always knew what was best for me. sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, panicky because I couldn't find your hand. you would turn over and shush me into calm, wrap me in your arms until I could sleep again.

I don't know why I didn't realize that you never seemed to sleep. I guess I thought big sisters didn't need to. what I do remember is the night that you were so exhausted that your eyes closed before mine, and I heard what your big sister voice had been protecting me from.